“When are we who we are?” [paraphrased]
DawnP left this particularly interesting prompt for me:
Don’t know if you are like this, but it’s easier to be in a crowd of people you don’t know, with maybe one or two friends, than a crowd of people you’ve met a few times and most seem to know you. The interaction and expectations are totally different. Or if the opposite is true for you, that.
I paraphrased this prompt as “when are we who we are?” because I think in certain situations it is easier to be truest self around strangers who have no expectations.
People who know us, whether that is as an acquaintance or close friend, have“boxed us up” with their knowledge of who they think we are. This is particularly true with families, where if you were known as the “shy child” you will still be known as shy even if you become a polyamorous exhibitionist. Even with casual friends and co-workers, there is an expectation of behavior set by previous interactions.
That’s not false, of course; my colleagues know me as a well-read introvert who wears black all the time because, well, I’m a well-read introvert who wears black all the time. On the other hand, I’m also nearly 50 years old, and comfortable with how I present myself. When I was 25 I was rolling through a lot of phases and if you have only experienced me at that age you would wonder what happened to the heavily made up, extroverted, club kid.
In a crowd of strangers, I can let loose the expectations and say any old thing that comes to mind. More often, I come across as the stoic and taciturn person I am at heart, because I generally don’t talk much and save my words for writing (this tends to be why I am friends with chatter-boxes, as they fill the empty space I leave behind). Socially, though, I live up to expected norms and I call myself a “high functioning introvert” because at work and parties and other events I am chatty and friendly and a great conversationalist…because that is what people know.
It is a cycle, one that can be vicious or empowering depending on circumstances. I think it’s always a worthwhile practice to notice how I am behaving around people who do not know me at all, and what kind of messages I’m giving them to set up future expectations.
Sometimes of course, I don’t care. Usually that’s when you’ll find me along the wall, observing, and looking judgmental (I’m not really judgmental it’s just my resting face).
one of these is me