I wrote the following in my private journal, but I thought it was worth sharing. There is a lot going on in my life that is positive, and despite the fact that 2014 was rocky for a lot of people I know, my year overall was not traumatic. There were good days, there were bad days. But as I thought about moving forward, I penned this:
So what do I want in 2015? Honestly I’ve seen plenty of change over the past 5 years, I’m not jonesing to “change anything!” the way I used to hope for. I’m long past that day when I woke up in bed and realized “I have nothing to live for.” Because I do, now, have so much to live for. Things I’m doing now and things I hope to do int he future. So many book ideas! The podcast with KimM! Moving to New Zealand. It’s almost weird how much I do have to live for now.
Yet, the two most important things are still simmering, yet to fruition — my body (fat loss, fitness, dancing!) and commercial success from my writing (books! More books!). That’s where I’m headed in 2015. These massive goals, the huge hurdles I’ve basically come up against my whole life, are poised to be conquered and I am in a place where I know what I need to do in order to make both happen. It’s all within my grasp, and the missing element here is my dedication to the tasks. That, I think, will only come from a belief in myself that self-hatred cannot support.
So tomorrow – 2015!!!! – I will not drown myself in fanfic. I will continue working out in the mornings, and I will write. I will write in WoHH (so close to the end!) and I will write blog posts (two? Possibly!). I will create a business plan that is realistic but not shy, and I will take steps to implement it. I will work towards finishing the Skeptic’s Inspirational. I will focus on staying in nutritional ketosis, over and above my need to “fit in”/be normal that is only a form a self-flagellation. I will love myself, because that much at least I deserve. I will make myself a priority out of a sense of joy and affection, and not because I feel that “success” is the only way to prove my worth.
So that’s what I am putting into 2015. Just leaving it here for posterity. <3