I was futzing around online the other day and watched a video on ancient Rome by Mary Beard. It was, as most of her shows are, very enjoyable. Her love for the topic shines, and she’s as delighted as a child with candy when she can hold an ancient artifact or walk through the ruins of a city. Do I know a lot of what she talks about on those productions? Yes, a good bit, probably 75% of the material she covers. Do I care? No. It’s about the fascination and the curiosity and the insight she gives to the presentation. It is simply fun to watch, and it is fun to watch because Mary Beard is fun to watch.
It did not even occur to me at first that she is, on the whole, a rather mundane woman who is slightly overweight and definitely not young, who appears in most of these shows in very casual, comfy clothes and no visible makeup. It didn’t occur to me because it didn’t matter.
I’ve found out that for some people it does matter. A lot. Apparently Mary Beard has received scathing reviews from people who think she is unattractive, frumpy, and undesirable. It’s worth questioning why a respected professor discussing ancient Rome needs to be “desirable” (*cough*male gaze*cough*) but the fact remains she is mercilessly mocked in some quarters for just looking utterly normal.
Yet, for so many other people her looks are not a factor at all, good or bad. She has legions of fans who adore her for the intelligence, knowledge, and joy she brings to her documentaries.
Me being me, when I realized this, I decided to really study how she presents herself, because it is very clear that she does style herself. She is not waking up and throwing on whatever is clean, but rather carefully curated wardrobe choices. While the end result is hardly “fashion forward” it is carefully considered. Even if that isn’t clear to you, I found one of her blog posts where she talks about it. (Another reason to love her? Yes.) She is a modern professional academic and she is fully aware that appearances matter.
She has a distinctive image that is singularly mundane. She is almost always wearing ordinary sneakers, leggings, and tunic-style tops. No makeup. Lightly styled hair. She’s not concerned with her “shape” in that sometimes her tummy bulges and sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes her breasts sag and sometimes they don’t. She’s wearing whatever undergarments she deems appropriate and comfortable at the time, as any person might do when touring around a lot of places on a deadline. Reasonable and yet also remarkable, for a woman on-camera in today’s world.
When I started to study her presentation, I wasn’t consciously looking to emulate her style but trying to figure out why it was acceptable for her. What’s her secret? It’s not that she doesn’t care what people think (as so many people advise those of us with body image issues, as if telling us not to care will suddenly make us immune to insecurity and social approbation). She’s talked about how hurtful some of the crueler online comments have been so it is not that she doesn’t care what people think. She does, but she’s not going to change anything because some people don’t like her.
The message she has carefully crafted is that she cares, but on her own terms.
Figuring that out was eye opening for me.
(I immediately ordered leggings from Old Navy. I am nothing if not predictable.)
Not to get deep into my psychological issues concerning my body image, insecurity, and mother-wound, but one of the two* primary hurdles in my life right now is the “fear of being seen.”
It’s not about being seen in general, out on the street or at the store or the office. I am seen a’plenty while walking my dog around the neighborhood, after all. No, this is specifically tied to being seen in an environment or situation where my contributions and even my worth as a person can be judged…and, of course, found lacking.
I’m not someone who fears public speaking, and I generally have no issues with discussing even very sensitive/difficult parts of my life. But as a fat woman, and nowadays as an old fat woman, I live in terror of becoming an object of ridicule.
To revitalize my business or to try and become a popular(ish) author would put me in the cross-hairs of toxic attacks by just about anyone and everyone, for everything from my looks and my age to my political stances and my identities. I’ve seen the pile-on happen to numerous “celebrities” (minor and major) at this point, and it’s horrific.
I will never, ever stop in my quest to “become thin”, as unhealthy and damaging as that quest has been, because the roots of that self-loathing are buried deep. I’m not proud of it and I hate that I simply cannot let myself be for even an hour of the day, but it’s my everyday reality.
But waiting for that magical day when I wake up in a new, thin body before I allow myself to be successful at anything is literally destroying my future possibilities.
To put this in perspective: Mary Beard did not wait to become a classicist until she morphed herself into a “proper” body weight/image for appearing on television, and she isn’t too fussed with it now that she’s done both. She cares about her appearance but not to the point of hobbling herself.
That’s the energy I want to bring to my life: even if I’m still not where I want to be, and even if I never even like my body all that much, I can accept it enough to allow myself to live my life fully.
* The other is “resistance to consistency,” which is a whole other blog post…