It’s probably odd to link #YesAllWomen to body image issues, or maybe not. I’m a bad judge of things like that, but here we are.
Reflecting on the experiences of other women and comparing them to my own, I realized that my self-defenses are legend. I did not even know my habits were that all-encompassing, actually, although I am aware that I “play it safe” in some situations. It’s just instinct, a combination of years of harassment and a lifetime of being told (directly and indirectly) to fear every strange man within 20 feet of me (which, sadly, is advice that has proven justified by any number of jerks). That takes its toll, and only in reading the stories of other women dealing with the same issues have I come to understand the profound impact these beliefs and behaviors have had on my life. It goes much deeper than simply sitting defensively on the bus.
Part of my defense is my body, and as much as I loathe being overweight, it is easier to stand being mocked for that (“hey fatty!” while having eggs thrown at me when I was out walking) than to deal with being molested. When I was thinner (and, admittedly, younger) and at a club, I once had two men I had never met before sandwich me between them and undo my bra while on the dance floor, and that’s just one of dozens of things that happened to me when I was “conventionally attractive” (thin).
I’m not implying that I’m overweight solely for the reason of self-defense; food, health, history and mental health play a part too and I’m not undercutting any of that. Despite all of that, I do have the willpower to drastically change my body, I’ve done it several times in fact, but always at the high price of constant hunger, ill health, and a body that attracts unwanted attention. It physically costs me to lose weight, it is rarely a healthy endeavor, and the payout is nothing more than some nice clothes and a lot of harassment.
I want to be attractive, of course. I mean, who doesn’t? Really? And in our society that means, above all else, being thin. But being attractive (thin) also creates a very unwanted invitation for many men to feel entitled to touch me. Does this happen during times when I’m overweight? Sure, of course, just nowhere near as often. I’m not actually safe being fat, but I am safer, and that obviously counts for more than I realized.
Perhaps just another lesson in “KimBoo Can’t Have it All”, I suppose. *sigh*