This whooping cough thing is killer; I have the classic textbook symptoms (the coughing classically develops into uncontrollable fits, each with five to ten forceful coughs, followed by a high-pitched “whoop” sound … as the patient struggles to breathe in afterwards (paroxysmal stage). Fits can occur on their own or can be triggered by yawning, stretching, laughing, eating or yelling; they usually occur in groups, with multiple episodes every hour around the clock…) which means I can’t sleep through the night, no matter how strong the meds, as my coughing fits seem to be on a three to four hour rotation (which is better than the one hour rotation of last week…most of which I don’t really remember…). Clearly the antibiotics helped, but also clearly this is going to linger through the first of the year, all the way through winter break. WOE.
Thus my eating habits, so healthy of late, crashed and burned (comfort foods rarely, if ever, equal healthy foods); I am of course not working out or riding my bike; and honestly for the most part I can barely think straight for longer than a few minutes at a time.
This does, however, allow me some time for introspection if nothing else. Not like I need the help, it’s my default setting. But here I am, basically invalided (¿word?) out of regular life for a few weeks, which I’m really pissy about as if you couldn’t tell.
Anyway, I’m thinking reflectively about the last two years and wow, I’ve done a lot. Gotten divorced, kicked the ex out of the house, started grad school, become a published romance author, published my own non-fiction book, started a couple of blogs, changed my diet, gotten in much better shape and lost a lot of weight, and painted half my kitchen. Yeah okay that last isn’t quite the triumph I’d like it to be, but still: wow, I’ve done a lot!
Of course the drawbacks come with the territory: a magnum of student debt on top of older debts, still living hand-to-mouth on jobs that don’t pay the bills, still too unhealthy and overweight, and a car that would be older than my children if I had any.
But it’s all about positioning, isn’t it? I think one reason I have often fallen short of the big goals is my lack of follow through on the smaller ones; in my experience, desperation often leads to failure, in that I try to make a leap I’m ill prepared to make and therefore, unsurprisingly, fall short. It’s a convenient excuse to say “I tried! I’m just a failure!” when the truth is more “I overextended without proper preparation! I’m a moron!”
Looking at where I am now, and where I want to go, I’ve realized (despite the terrible lurgy) that I’m perfectly positioned for some major leaps. I took a few in 2010 (divorce, grad school) based on the foundation of two years of intensive therapy. I could not have succeeded at accomplishing either in 2008, and that is just the facts, mam. 2011, while busy enough, has been more along the line of coasting along. It was a year of adjustment, I see in retrospect. No crazy moves one way or another, simply chugging along on the chosen paths, aligning myself to a new life.
Part of that adjustment is seeing what works and what doesn’t, at a personal level. I’m competent enough that I can make almost any plan work, if I put my back into it, but not any plan is the right one for me. There are things I enjoy doing, and things I don’t, as well as things I am willing to invest time in and things I simply will not do no matter how much I tell myself I should. I’ve fought that for years, but 2011 was about stopping that fight; instead of trying to forge against the flow, as I’ve done for most of my life with varying degrees of success, I’m learning where the currents are and turning to them. That old saw about going with the flow has some merit, after all.
Which leads me to the conclusion that I’m ready to take some new chances, and create more change. Despite the whooping cough of doom (and I assure you, the “whooping” part of it is no misnomer) I feel that my health and my mental well-being are primed for change. Part of that is a vision of where I want to be and what I want to be doing in 2013/2014. I’ve always felt like my dreams of “the perfect life” were out of my reach, mostly because they were; now, for the first time, I feel like I’m halfway there. The next half of the journey might even be harder, and require more dedication than the first, but it won’t be a matter of overextending myself this time.
I’ve got lists. I’ve got plans. I’ve also got doubts and debts and a nervous constitution; but that’s all a given anyway. What matters is, I’m primed, and have been moving in this direction for four years. Every small and not-so-small goal I have accomplished so far has put me here, ready to make this leap, which isn’t such a huge distance to cross after all. I just needed to be ready for it.
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